Monday, January 10, 2011

Scotty's Laws of Physics

1. Call me Scotty. I may be captain by rank... but I never wanted to be anything else but an engineer.
2. Never let Mr Spock know exactly what your thinking... Vulcans are greedy for knowledge and want to read your mind.
3. Don't react when Klingons call Captain James T. Kirk a tin plated over bearing, swaggering dictator with delusions of Godhood. Keep your cool, sit down and finish your drink. Its simply not worth fighting about.
4. Don't be fooled by Shapeshifters. When in doubt speak in code and defeat your enemies with puzzles they cannot answer.
5. "Starship captains are like children. They want everything right now and they want it their way. The secret is to give them what they need, not what they want.
6. A fused dilithium crystal converter defies the laws of physics when trying to repel Klingon warships. The warp engines will not restore power to the phasers and shields without additional dilithium. Fortunately raw crystal necklaces are just as powerful as the Dohlman of Elas's tears.
7. Never make fun of Scotty's Excelsior, insult something he cares about instead like the Enterprise.
8. Never confuse the emergency bypass control valve for the matter/antimatter reaction chamber with emergency transporter bypass circuits.
9. No woman has been known to win Scotty away from his beloved ships. Lt Carolyn Palamas, a pretty young officer serving in the Enterprise's Archeology and Anthropology department came close but the Greek God Apollo stole her affections.
10. Always stand up to Klingons who insult the USS Enterprise NCC 1701. Shes not a Garbage Scow and will never be hauled away as garbage. We're big enough to take a few insults but the Enterprise is a matter of pride worth defending. Stick to your phasers on this!
11. Picard's Aldebaran whisky packs quite a punch. The 24th century has synthetic commanders and synthetic scotch. Scotty is not impressed. In Relics, Data offers Scotty a real drink. Strong and alcoholic, Dr. Leonard H. McCoy would approve. A bottle of the green stuff will help solve complex engineering problems every time.
12. Mr Scott has said "You 'cannae beat the finest scotch in all the Galaxy." Montgomery's scotch whiskey.

13. Prewarp cultures are the forbidden fruit in the Universe. The Prime Directive forbids interference with their development. Contact with the natives is forbidden except for Captain Kirk....of course!
14. Never tell the captain how long it really takes to run a diagnostic or fix the dilithium crystal converter if you value your reputation as a miracle worker.
15. Wise up on the latest Engineering technologies in your Starfleet Technical Manual and forget about shoreleave unless ordered by the Captain.
16. A good engineer will always understate how much pressure a starship engine can take in his engineering log.
17. "Condition Green" is covert Starfleet code telling you that Captain Kirk is in trouble with the natives again.
18. Make sure to thank your Captain when ordered "Confined to quarters until further notice." This is a rewarding experience just for you. Hes giving you a chance to read up on your technical journals.
19. When the ship is in danger of blowing up, ignore Scotty's design specifications including the pressure variances in regulation 42/15. Mr Scott wrote it. "A good engineer is always conservative on paper."
20. Be prepared to brave the unknown and take risks with minutes to spare. A good engineer is capable of bypassing errant computers and jury-rigging malfunctioning warpdrives which will place you in peril close to high voltage currents, odd power surges, radiation, coolant leaks, exploding consoles and warpcore breaches.
21. A master engineer can tell how fast a starship is travelling by the feel of the deck plates.
22. Its the Chief Engineers job to know his starships engines inside out, so use your wits to chill the Captain and save the Enterprise in your own sweet time.
23. Deep down everyone knows Scotty.

Live Long and Prosper, trekkies and trekkers..


Maurice Mitchell said...

Scotty was a wise man and a drinker of scotch. Two things you have to respect.

Spacerguy said...

I wrote this as a tribute to James Doohan who played Scotty in TOS. Heres to the Starfleets finest Miracle Worker. "Heres to you, laddie"

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